17 Little Known Facts about Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
4. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
7. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
9. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
10. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as shit take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
11. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
12. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
13. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
14. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse kick every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
15. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
16. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
17. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day