God Loves to Pop Buble Wrap

I wrote this the other day on my Youth Blog. Thought ya'll might like to read it:

Forever I thought that if I tried hard enough and thought long enough and read enough of my Bible I could figure God out. I could argue His existence and win the whole world over to God through my vast knowledge and wisdom of scripture. It would be easy. All the world needed was my great knowledge.

I hated experience and believed that the Holy Spirit only served to tweak my heart and make me a Christian and then never rear His ugly head again in my life. Never would that weird ghost do anything to me. After all, I heard he makes people get emotional. Emotions make us illogical and liberal! Like a girl. Well, more like a very emotional girl. I didn't want to be a girl because I am a man. I want no emotions, please, thank you! Emotions make us weird, like the Pentecostals. I feared if I let this Holy Ghost guy into my life He might make me fall down on the floor and start convulsing and speaking gibberish and telling people I talked to God. That wouldn't be right. After all I am a Presbyterian and we are too lofty for that mess. In fact we are very logical and resonable. There is no room for emotion in a Presbyterian. Especially a male Presbyterian. This Holy Spirit guy scared me and I wanted nothing to do with Him or His crazy antics.

Knowledge is safe. It keeps me from having to do anything. I can sit and read and learn all I want and don't have to do anything for anyone else or "feel" moved to do so either. "Feeling" moved sucks. What does "feeling" moved mean anyway? Without this feeling, I am better off because I can stay logical and self-controlled. I don't have to cry or feel convicted to feed the poor or be nice to my mom. I can just think about it and say that it is right and that is good enough. That IS good enough right? hmm!

I felt this way until just recently.

I think my wife was supposed to be a pentecostal and she just got lost somewhere along the way and by chance she fell into marraige with me. Poor girl. She likes to say she "feels" things and she cries a lot (that part may be my fault), but there is something even stranger than that that she does. She loves people unconditionally! Why would anyone do that? How could you possibly love someone without asking anything from them? She especially loves special needs people. This drove me nuts because all I could think was that God would give her one of these kinds of kids one day and my life would be over. He would give her this kind of kid because He knows she would love that person more than anything in the world and she would be completely content.

What about me God?!! I was freaking out. This kind of love was way to weird for me. I mean I need to get something back from a relationship. How can I possibly ever be godly if I have to be so self-sacrificial? I wouldn't have the energy to do anything good. She would though, and that makes me feel like crap.

Being married five years has taken it's toll on my spiritual ego. I always thought I had everything figured out and was waiting for just the right moment to transform the world with my great knowledge, and make the world ready for Jesus to come back. I might even sacrifice myself upside down to show the world that I knew how to do it. Then this wild eyed, beautiful and crazy girl came along and messed it all up for me. Just when I thought I was ok, and just when I had God wrapped tightly in my gift wrapped box with a red bow on top, she came into my life and showed me how ridiculously wretched and awful I was. The audacity!

How could she do this to me?

My wife is the most illogical person I've ever met. Everytime I try to reason through something with her she just tosses my great knowedge to the wind and goes on her merry way. She is illogical and WAY too loving. If it were up to her all of our possessions would be down at the homeless shelter and I would be sleeping on a hard wood floor. She would give away her only meal on a deserted island to a starving monkey if she had the chance. This pissed me off! I would always tell her, "you can't just love somebody like that. I mean it's not natural. You have to look out for yourself in this world." After all, isn't that what Jesus said? Somewhere? Maybe? Now you are getting a good idea of what my God box looked like.

It baffles me that my wife is so godly. she really is. I actually think she is as close to Christ as anyone I've ever met. She has shamed me in ways that I can't tell you because she is so much better than me at everything spiritual. I sometimes fear that I will come home and have a homeless guy eating at my table or some mangy old dog eating my steak! She would do that too!

It used to tick me off that I put so much effort into figuring out God and after years of learning and figuring and building the systems to being an awesome Christian philosopher/ preacher/ guru, that this strange and emotional girl would enter into my life, never having read much of any scripture and off the cuff be more like Christ then me. It wasn't fair!

How could I have missed it. I'm supposed to be the one that is more like Christ because I have studied Him more.

I'm learning that God LOVES to break our boxes. I think it is because He likes to pop the bubble wrap inside. Every time I thought I had God figured out He destroyed my system. This is why we need the Holy Spirit. Because there is not a soul on earth that can understand this God that we serve. No system or law can hold him. He can break all of our petty little legalistic rules and it's ok. He's God! There is only one way to know God and that is through the Holy Spirit. My wife has the Holy Spirit coming out of her ears. The Holy Spirit is why we know God, and how we understand anything at all. He is the force within us that drives us to the truth, that sits with us on top of the Blue Ridge Mountains when the sun is setting and that shows us how filthy we are through emotional girls! In fact, He is the one that shows us through these emotional and unreasonable girls that we suck at life and they don't!

If I were going to leave you with anything it is this. Don't put God in a Box. He gets VERY clastrophobic! and don't let knowledge rule you. It only makes you dumber. Let the Holy Spirit guide you to the truth and let Him open your eyes. Trust His work in your life and not your own. And do not! I repeat, do not! marry a Spirit filled women if you want to keep your ego.

I love you Bonnie! He has done more for my walk with Christ through you than anyone else in the world.

Your brilliant youth pastor (I AM being sarcastic) Mark Wells