Toughest Piss in My Life

None of the story below has been embellished in any way. Its horrifying details are not meant for the faint of heart.

I was in the stadium at South Carolina about 20 minutes before kickoff this weekend (that stadium is a complete dump by the way) and I decide on the way to my seat I need to take a leak. So Betsy holds my coat for me and I step into line. I have to stand in line for about 10 mins outside the bathroom in the upper deck, and as I'm winding my way around a corner every guy who is coming out of the bathroom says "Good luck in there" and shakes his head. I'm getting nervous bc I've heard its a trough and I get stage fright sometimes.

I finally make it around the corner and my worst fears are realized. It's a packed house, its a trough, and every single guy in there who is peeing has about 6 deep lined up directly behind him waiting their turn. Decision time. Do I pretend to be manly enough to not let this bother me, or do I graciously exit the bathroom and hold it until I can find more favorable conditions. My pride got the best of me, I had to go through with this or forever live in shame at letting stage fright stifle my performance on such an important day as Clemson vs Carolina. I imagine the 13th at Balaclava, the Light Brigade, having similar debates on the day of their fateful charge. So I choose the line closest to the wall so I only have one person on my right with a wall on my left, step in line, and start praying that I can perform.

I make it up to the front to take my turn and it's go time. But by this time the line's so packed that I actually have a dude leaning on my back while I got it out trying to force some urine to exit my pee-hole. Then to make matters worse, some Clemson fans start up the old "1,2,3,4" in cadence count. Now I am exposed, have male contact on my back and right side while 20 guys are cheering for Clemson and another 40 are yelling "Clemson sucks!". My eyes are clenched shut and I am concentrating so hard that I could have blown an o-ring had I farted. And of course I got guys behind me telling me if I shake it twice I'm playing with it.

It's easier to piss off the side of a boat in 14 foot swells then in the situation I was in. We're talking David and Goliath here, Hercules vs the Hydra, Beowulf vs the Dragon, Frodo vs Sauron. And now I must conquer the most frightening trough imaginable. After several deep breaths, thankfully liquid dynamics finally took over and I relieved myself and got the hell out of there.

Never again. Public urination off the side of the upper deck would be better than that.